Freedom, Is Not So Friendly
by hopeintheproles
Summary: Dark Fic. SJ. Her whole world is dark and shattered. Will someone be there for her, and will it be enough? Rated M for scene of sexuality and cutting. R and R folks.


Freedom, is not so friendly.

"Alycia!" I yell and run to greet my very best friend. The only one I trust completely.

"Sara!" She yells back and greets me midway. We embrace and entangle ourselves in a grand hug. It almost makes me feel whole.

Almost.

She has been my friend of 6 years, and I can truthfully say I would die without her. I am 16 now. My hair flows to my hips. People call me beautiful. I believe it, I am beautiful. But how I wish to be ugly, to go unnoticed. And instead I'm plagued with red hair. A black pebble amongst white stones. Life truly hates me.

Alycia and I walk back to my room where I have a ready fire and two hot cups of tea waiting. It is winter, the wind nips fiercely as we walk back home. While Alycia walks faster to get inside, I'm hoping to slow down and let the cold engulf me. If anything it let's me know I'm still alive. Even though all I want is death.

When we get inside James is at the table, reading the paper. He has grown up to be very good looking. A catch among the ladies. But I don't bother, it's a waste, and it's not my destiny. I look to Alycia and I notice her eyeing James appreciatively. I don't roll my eyes at her antics. Just because I'm unfeeling and distant doesn't mean she has to be.

"James." I call, he looks up and smiles. Big white teeth grin girl swoon smile, but I keep my face neutral.

"This is my other best friend Alycia, the one I was telling you about."

"Oh." He remembers, puts the newspaper down and gets up. He stands at 6 ft. Walks over and shakes Alycia's hand.

"I've heard all great things about you." That's true, all I talked about was Alycia "I hope you enjoy your stay here." Theirs eyes are completely locked. "And any friend of Sara's is certainly a friend of mine" Their hands are still entwined, still bobbing up and down.

I look to Alycia, her eyes are wide with fondness already, and her mouth twitches in a range of small smiles to goofy grins.

It makes me jealous of course, I can't help the sinking feeling in my heart. I'm afraid James has never looked at me like that. He has seen me at my worst, my best, my nicest, my cruelest. I feel the fondness has just grown to platonic friendship. He has grown too used to me. I am growing useless.

Alycia regains at least some sense and replies "Of course, and any friend of Sara's is a friend of mine." I don't see them breaking apart any time soon so I intervene.

"Speaking of Sara" I say "She has some tea upstairs waiting for Alycia that's getting cold."

My talking has startled them both, wide eyed and in headlights. The two step away and Alycia mumbles a "sorry" and walks upstairs. James walks slowly back to the table and sits down. Looks down, and looks back up.

"Is something the matter Sara?"

In my head I tell him that she's only here for 4 days. But on the outside I can only stare at him, sigh, and head upstairs to join my befuddled friend.

You have no idea.

I walk into my room and pour my tea. Alycia has already taken her tea and placed herself in front of the fire. I sit on the chair next to her.

Alycia sips her tea and asks "How are you?"

I shrug and put my tea on the table beside me "Fine, nothing's changed."

Alycia smiles at me and puts her tea down as well.

"Ah Sara, you forget that I see through you so well."

Alas, she is right. She can see through me, my walls, and my defenses. The only one who really can. We are soul mates, we can read each other. Soul mates don't have to be lovers.

I smile back at my friend and respond "Yes, you are right. I'm unhappy I suppose. Lonesome, I guess.

"Oh" she says "I get it, in need of a companion. A male companion."

I scrunch up my face "I think the reason why I'm so unhappy is because I want someone. I think I would be 10 times happier if I had someone."

Alycia shakes her head "I really don't think so, I don't think a boyfriend would help you. It might alleviate some of the pain, but it won't make you happy again. You've got to accomplish that on your own. It's the difference between want, and need."

I lay back in my chair, taking in everything. It makes sense however, maybe I'm meant to be unhappy forever.

We do not talk about James.

I lead Alycia down the hall and into a room, her room for the remainder of her stay. She walks in and places her suitcase at the end of her bed, I lean on the door watching her. She takes out her brush and combs her hair by the mirror. Alycia is beautiful. We are a beautiful set. The difference is I'm broken and she's……she's not. Her hair is a light brown with a mixture of blond and copper highlights. It flows to her mid-back gracefully.

"Goodnight." I tell her. I close the door without waiting for an answer.

The walk back to my own room is not far, it rests next to James. I walk past my own and knock on James' door.

"Come in" I hear. I open the door and walk in. James is sitting at his desk, scribbling something on a piece of paper.

I walk to his bed and take a seat.

"What are you writing?" I ask, trying to make some decent conversation.

James stops his writing and looks over his shoulder and smiles. "And when did you get so nosy?" He asks.

"Since I have no life." Of course, that answer is in my head. In reality I spoke quietly.

"Just curious."

James finishes off whatever he is writing and puts it in his drawer. He walks over to his own bed and sits down next to me. I place my head on his shoulder. Our relationship is very open, very friendly. I am a sister to him.

"What tires you so?"

"What doesn't tire me?" I say, squirming my way out of a real answer.

We rest in silence for a while until James speaks once more.

"Alycia, seems very nice. I can see why you like her so."

I give a half snort half chuckle. "Yeaahh, and you base that on meeting her for 5 minutes. I'm nobody's fool."

To me, my voice sounded bitter. To him, I have no idea. I think he was only half listening.

He sighs, and speaks. "She was charming. I like her."

"I know" I say quietly. My mood so somber, my body is screaming at me.

I get up and big James goodnight. The second time tonight where I don't wait for my two best friends to respond.

When I reach my room I head straight for my desk, grab my towel, and head into the bathroom. I dress into my night gown and pull it up to my waist. I sit on the floor, butterfly style. I reach for the towel and unravel it. A small blade falls to the floor. I pick it up and handle it delicately, feeling it and running my finger over the small blade. I glance down at my thighs. Long, red marks. So many, I count 15. I disgust myself, but it's an addiction. I can never seem to put down the blade.

I hold the top part of my thigh and put the blade there. I press into my skin and drag it along, going deeper and deeper as I get used to the blade. I take the blade off and close my eyes, the feeling after cutting is amazing. Euphoric really. It makes the cutting worth while. When I come down off my high I grab the bloody towel and press it to my bleeding wound.

I wrap a bandage around my thigh and proceed to bed.

It's my sickly ritual. The one thing constant in my life.

In the morning I wake up later than usual. Cutting takes a lot out of me sometimes. I dress slowly, the sting of the wound is painful but somehow refreshing. I can't even explain myself anymore. I don't know who I've become. I know she isn't me, who I used to be. I know I don't feel real anymore. But most of all I know things won't be the same anymore. Around me and for me.

When I get downstairs I see James and Alycia wrapped up in a conversation over breakfast. I walk past them to get my breakfast. They both greet me, well at least they're acknowledging me now when they're together.

"Good morning." I say to them, producing a small smile. I start eating and glance out of the window. The sun shines and birds chirp. It would make anyone smile. But now, I just can't seem to see the good in anything. I'm just cynical now.

"What do you think Sara?"

Huh?

"What? I mean, Pardon? Were you talking to me?"

Alycia laughs prettily and says "Yes silly, we think it would be grand to walk down to the river and walk there for a while, don't you think?"

Still feeling a little lost, I shake my head a bit. And respond with a "Yes."

James looks at me concernedly and takes my hand. Warmth spreads throughout me.

"Are you feeling alright Sara?"

I look at James with an open mouth and recover. I laugh it off lightly and smile for them "Yes, yes, I'm sorry, I'm just feeling a bit off and loopy. I suppose I'm just tired."

James lets go of my hand and Alycia smiles at me "Well then, nothing like a breakfast to wake you up. Eat and then we'll embark on our little adventure."

Little is right, I think while spooning eggs into my mouth. I've done way more exciting things, if the devil himself were to offer a hiking trip I think that would sound more appealing. What am I getting myself into?

We all finish our breakfasts in silence and at about 9 we decide to head out. The walk is about 45 minutes. Only a little bit hilly. It should be nice. I grab my sunhat to protect my porcelain skin from burning too much.

Thunk. Damnit, I stumble again over a rock, not falling down, but enough to be annoying. It's like the 3rd time that's happened. I suppose I'm not paying enough attention. I suppose I was too busy glaring daggers at the two in front of me.

I know I'm not supposed to care. But I can't help it at all. James and Alycia walk ahead of me, hooked arms, her chatting away a million miles a minute. I suppose James is taking it all in. I'm not so sure I feel so good about Alycia staying here, boys always did make her weirder. They made her more selfish and self-centered. And not a lot of fun to be around. I should have thought of this before.

James looks back to me and smiles. I smile back softly. I can tell he's apologizing through his smile. It isn't his fault, he's too nice. Not many are. I can't tell if he's just being really nice to her or he's infatuated with her. Based on yesterday's events I can only guess he's got an infatuation with her. James can be so hard to read.

At about 15 minutes later we come to the river. I always find it to describe how amazing this place is. It's a wide river, with a wide opening for the sun to stream down on. The trees, so green, provide perfect shade in some of the water. No matter what, I can't help but smile at this, or if I can't smile. I can't help but feel at peace.

I remove my shoes and socks and I walk along the edge of the river. The water is cool, and I can feel small minnows running over my feet. I turn back around and see James and Alycia on a rock talking. I can't hear them talking. But I see them, they can't see me, the trees block it. I was about to call for them when I stopped dead in my tracks. I couldn't hear anything. I just saw it.

Alycia leaned forward and kissed James. A look of shock crossed his features, but Alycia deepened the kiss, and James responded.

It felt like someone cut a keep gash across my heart. All the blood poured from my heart and left me cold. So cold. Actually that doesn't sound like a bad idea. I look away and try to find solace in my setting. But now, the sun appears too strong. The water foggy and polluted. The minnows like sharks, and the trees greenery seem bleak and gray. I don't know how long I remained like that. Looking blankly ahead, squinting my eyes, trying not to cry. No matter how hard my chest constricted, how my eyes burned, and how tight my throat closed up, I wouldn't allow myself to cry.

I heard James voice beside me. He touched my shoulder, it didn't spread warmth like it had earlier, but it burned. I couldn't help but turn my shoulder out of his reach. Whether or not he looked hurt, I didn't care. I couldn't find the compassion to care at that point. I looked to James. I didn't have to look up too much at James. I was a lofty 5' 8".

"Did you say something?" I heard myself ask.

James looked at me worriedly and nodded his head "Yeah, we were gonna head back to get some lunch. Are you coming with us."

I looked away from his eyes, and studied the area across the river once more. I looked for another 5 seconds before responding.

"Yes."

I made a move to walk in front of him but he stepped right in front of him and crashed into me. I gave a short gasp and waited for the cold creek to hit me. When it didn't I opened my eyes to see blue eyes like the Bahamas staring right back at me. My mouth was slightly parted and all I could do was stare, stare at him. Apparently that's all he could do too. His arms were wrapped securely around my back and I couldn't help but think how good it felt. How the burn was back to being warm. My eyes darted to his mouth and back to his eyes, his eyes did the same thing. Glancing occasionally to my mouth and quickly looking me in the eyes again. Slowly we moved forward, until we heard.

"James? Sara? Where are you?"

We both pulled away and he set me back up straight. James and I both walked to Alycia with an air of confusion.

James walked to Alycia, but I walked past them both and headed home. Behind me I could hear:

"What's wrong with her?" Alycia was startled at my odd behaviour. She was startled?

James stuttered and couldn't find an answer. Well, at least I know he's on the same page as me.

When I got back I walked straight up to my room and filled my bathtub with water. I needed some time to think.

I stepped out of my clothes and into the warm bath. I blow out my breath and sink to the bottom of the tub. I open my eyes and stare up, ignoring the sinking feeling of air in my lungs. I listen to my heart beat and rise up to the surface.

By the time I've finished my bath I've dressed once more and combed my hair, braiding it into a long French braid. I feel refreshed. Like I could climb a mountain. But it's not what I want. Even now though, I don't know what I want. I don't suppose I won't ever know.

I hear a knock at the door, I walk over to the door and open it. James is standing there. I don't say anything, just step aside and open the door wider. Strangely enough, I don't feel like talking. He steps in and walks to the center of my room.

"Why are you here?" I ask. My face, my tone, it's all stuck in neutral.

"I don't know exactly, I just felt like I should be here."

I nod, I don't really know what he's talking about. But I don't feel like conflict, not today.

"I was actually wondering about earlier." He starts to tell me "When we were in the river. I don't know what happened there really."

"I'm not asking about it. I don't need to know."

He starts to look aggravated.

"What's up with you lately? All you've been is stuck in this mood, this depressing mood where if you're not happy then no one can be."

I huff a little to myself.

"James, do you even know me anymore? We're friends yes, but do you see me? See the real me? I don't think you do. You used to, when I used to be like you. But now, you don't understand me anymore. But if you really knew me, then you'd know that's how I want to be. Left alone, left alone by everybody."

He came up to me and grabbed me by my shoulders "What's going on with you? What happened to you? Why are you like this, what happened to the girl that used to love journalism and going on adventures. Where is she? What happened to her?"

"She grew up." I said "She became a woman, but most of all. She lost herself, she can't find who she is. She's gone. No matter how hard I try to find her, she's always hiding. And that's my life, one step forward, and two steps back."

He takes his thumb and rubs it over my cheek, if only he knew how much that drove me crazy.

"Don't." I say, holding his hand in my own to stop his movements. They only break my heart. It only makes me weaker.

"Why won't you open up to me anymore? Be my friend, be my best friend. You know that's you don't you? My best friend." Tears prick at the back of my eyes, pounding on my retinas demanding to be let loose. "Why won't you be my best friend anymore?"

"Because I want to be more!" I yell, so sick of this situation. And while part of me wants to feel good at getting it off of my chest, the other part scolds me and berates me for being weak and letting out my secrets. 'What next?' It asks me 'Letting him know you cut yourself'. In my mind I'm weak, I'd lose myself entirely if my outside became that way.

James does not stumble back in shock or run out of the room. But he brings his other hand to cup my cheek. He stares deep into my eyes. I'm lost to sea once again. "Then let's be more." He tells me.

I let out the shaky breath I was holding in. His thumb wipes the tears I did not know I had let fall. I feel ashamed once more. I let down my guard. I'd never cried in front of anyone before, I can only feel a little bit of gratitude for the fact it's James.

He moves to kiss me, but I can only turn my head and let out an airy "No."

"Why?" He asks me. His voice is gentle and encouraging.

I move from his grip and step back. "Because you can't help me." I walk hastily to the door, seeking refuge. But James pins me to the door. Both hands on either side of my face. His face close, our bodies touching. Our shaky breath's mingling with each other's.

"Tell me you don't feel it?"

How can I not feel it? It's coursing through my veins right now.

I can't answer him, all I can concentrate on is trying to breathe right.

I open my mouth to speak "I….."

"I…"

Before I can try again to deny him, his lips crash on to mine briefly. A quick kiss. It's not long enough. My arms wrap around his back and crash his lips to mine once more, and filling any space left between us. The kiss is intense, hot, needy, passionate, pleasurable. But it's not enough. My hands wander to any space on his back I can grasp, while his hands plunge into my fiery mane and tilt me to kiss me more deeply. I groan into the kiss and try to breathe at the same time, I open my mouth a bit to get more air. His tongue enters my mouth and the effect is tantalizing. I want more, I need more.

He takes my bottom lip between his teeth and sucks slowly, before kissing me fervently once more. His kisses slip to my neck which stirs the center of me.

I break away from the kiss, afraid if I go any further, stopping won't be an option.

And so we stand, 5 feet away from each other. Breathing hard, unable to process what we've just done, and how it changes everything.

"I think you need to go."

He closes his mouth and swallows deeply

"Alycia told me she wanted to go on an afternoon walk with you."

"Sara." He steps closer "I don't feel the same for Alycia as I do you."

I step back "But you do feel."

He sighs, and I point to the door "Go."

My voice is not harsh, not accusatory. It is content. I'm not asking anything from him. What I need to save myself, is acceptance. But I don't know how I can get that from myself.

The next morning I awake to thunder and rain. It's supposed to stay like that all day. I don't mind it, it makes me feel better about certain situations. I dress and comb my hair, wash my face and hands, and gather my confidence. And walk out the door.

When I reach downstairs I see Alycia putting her bags on the floor, and putting on her coats.

I rush to her

"Alycia? Where are you going?"

She hugs me tightly and responds "I'm sorry, my father has taken sick. They need me at home to fix things."

"But you have only stayed here one full day. We have not spent but mere hours together."

"I know, and I am dearly sorry. But our time will come again. I promise you that dear Sara."

I nod, and wish her a safe trip.

James comes in the house and says

"I've loaded your stuff up in the carriage Alycia. It was a pleasure to have met you."

Alycia smiles and hugs James. He looks nervous, but I don't care. Alycia can't have him 700 miles away. But even so, I don't think I want him belonging to me.

I can tell Alycia wants to kiss him, but even she has her dignity and saves me from seeing it.

Alycia is off. And I am left alone, in the house. With James.

I shrug mentally and head into the kitchen to make breakfast. I'm quite hungry, I stayed hoarded up in my room last night, trying to think. And mostly to avoid him.

He leans against the door frame and watches me prepare my morning meal.

"So that's what you're going to do? Pretend like it didn't happen?"

I sigh and turn around, leaning my own self against the counter "What do you want me to do? Huh? Tell me what you want me to say, what do you want to hear?"

"I don't want to have to tell you what to say."

I huff and turn back around "I really don't know what you want me to do James."

I hear him walk up to me and he turns me around "Tell me something real. Something you felt yesterday. If you liked it. Can you be so unfeeling? Does everything have to be so black and white with you?"

"You want something real?" I say, annoyed at him "I'm not the person you go to for a relationship James. While it would work fine and dandy for you, it just doesn't work with me. You're right, I am unfeeling. There are times, when I don't feel anything at all. I'm numb, I'm lost. I don't know anything else."

"Then let me help you." He offers, I shake my head.

"You know you can't help me."

"That is not true." He reasons "Why are you so afraid to be with me?"

"Afraid!" I yell, throwing my hands up in the air "I'm not afraid, I just don't want to be the person you tell yourself in the future to avoid. People like me, are best to avoid people like you. If anything I'm doing you a favor."

"Let me be the judge of that!" He yells, we are both getting quite impatient.

I don't know what to say. So I turn my back and prepare my meal. I hear him groan in frustration and leave the room. I think we both need to retreat to our own corners.

I eat my meal in remorse, and sadness.

It is night time now, and we have managed to avoid each other the whole remainder of the day. I walk up the stairs and down the hall. I make to go to my room, but stop at his door.

Hesitantly, I knock at the door. I hear James walk to the door and open it.

"Hello." I say.

He nods his head and twitches his mouth into what I'm guessing is a smile. He opens the door wider and lets me in.

I feel a bit foolish, dressed in my night gown, standing in the middle of his room. But I wanted to talk to him, so I guess I better start.

"What are you doing here?" He asks.

"I wanted to clear things up with you. We didn't talk on the best of terms."

He nods his head and sits down on his bed, signaling for me to start talking.

I sigh. "I'm sorry for being so rude. But the thing that I'm trying to tell you is, I can't be the girl I used to be, and I can't be a girlfriend. And while I did feel something yesterday. Feeling, is not enough. If people relied just on feeling alone, I think the world would be completely out of love in 3 years. A relationship takes so many more emotions I don't think I'm capable of harboring. I…I…I officially, don't know anymore."

I sigh, and start to pace. Circling around and around. I don't notice that James has risen.

He puts his arms on my shoulders and stops my pace.

"I don't know what to do with us, what to think, what to say. And that bothers me because normally, I always know what to do. But I do know, what I feel for you, is like nothing I've ever felt before. But I like what it feels like. And I don't want it to stop."

I swallow hard and look up to him, I place my hands on his chest and whisper "So don't." I bunch up his shirt in my hands and pull him to me, kissing him with everything I possess. What happens tomorrow, happens. I'm concentrating on right now.

His hands slide up my abdomen and over my breasts, earning a moan from me. I back up to the bed and turn us around. I pull out of the kiss with heavy breathing and unbutton his shirt. When I undo the last button I slide my hands up his chest, feeling his heavy breathing on my forehead, and I push it off his shoulders. His alabaster skin is beautiful and creamy in the firelight. I stand on my tiptoes and kiss his bare shoulders, switching from side to side. His hands are planted firmly on my waste, rubbing the material there.

I gently push him down into a sitting position on his bed. I gather up my nightgown and sit on his lap, thighs on either sides of him. I take his hand and slide it on my thigh. He takes his hand higher and takes the dress off of me. I am exposed at the breasts. His hands come to grip my shoulders from behind and brings me closer, kissing my collarbone, feeling his hot breath on my neck.

His hands guide me on to the bed. When something occurs to my mind.

"James, wait." I tell him. He looks down at me and asks "What's wrong, am I going too fast?"

I shake my head negatively "No, I just. I have to show you something"

We pull up into a sitting position. I take his hand and place it along the inside of my thighs. I start at the top and pull down, I can feel the scars with him. He looks down at what's causing the ridges and his eyes grow wide.

"Sara?" He asks. "How could you? Why would….Did you? Were you?"

I tell him I'm sorry, that I must disgust him. And I make to move but he holds me in place and hugs me tightly. Securing me, maybe afraid I'll hurt myself even more.

"Why would you Sara?" He whispers in my hair "Are things so bad? You could have come to me."

"No." I hear myself say. "I couldn't of, I have no right to be as sick as I am, I live a wonderful life. But some people just aren't meant to live in happiness. It's not enough, but I don't know what's going to fill this empty space."

I feel him let out a shaky breath into my hair, I can tell he's disappointed in me. Hell, I'm disappointed in myself.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I tell him, I don't know what else to say.

"Shh, Sara shh." Once again, he wipes away the tears I am not aware I've shed. A lone one escapes it's way to my neck, he kisses my wet cheek, placing open kisses down my face, my jaw, my chin, and to my neck, kissing away the tear. I moan lightly, closing my eyes at how good it feels. His kisses work past my collarbone, my breasts, my stomach, and they go down to my thighs.

I can feel him place kisses on each of my scars, driving my center crazy.

"James." I hear myself whisper.

I pull myself up and take his face in my hands, kissing him hotly. My kisses are short, and I kiss him repeatedly. His face cups my cheeks and wipes away the moisture and any remainder of tears he can find.

"I need you." I tell him, my hands slide through his blonde tresses, still in a ponytail. They roam down his bare back, and I pull him to me. Settling himself in-between my thighs. I undo his trousers and he pulls out of the kiss as we stare at each other, panting slightly, the lust in our eyes. I push his trousers down with my feet and he kicks them off. His hand settles of my collarbone tracing his hand further down past my stomach and removes my underwear. I kick it off.

His hands grab behind my head and he kisses my neck steadily, sucking lightly and teasing. I reach under his arms and grasp his back, spreading my thighs apart further, feeling his arousal press against my center, I gasp. He kisses me deep, and slides into me easily, hot and ready for him. I start panting as he moves with a steady rhythm, matching his thrusts, moving with him. It does not hurt, like my mother had explained to me. I have endured too much pain for it to hurt, all I feel is the pleasure building up on me.

My hands grasp at the muscles on his back, my head pressed into his neck, panting and whimpering, trying to hold on, trying to last. Making it count. His own head is pressed to my collarbone, breathing hard. His thrusts are frantic, what was once steady is now lost in hair hands necks breaths fingers entwined. We move in a beautiful melody made specifically for our own bodies.

When I feel the walls crashing down on me, I cannot hold in the silence I attempted to tame. I cry out James' name and in return I feel him fill me and cry out my own name in his release. In our exhaustion he collapses on top of me, both breathing hard, resting in each others necks. I stroke his back and kiss his neck in reassurance. He pulls back and looks at me, still breathing hard. He kisses me tenderly, and returns his head to the crook of my neck. I can only rest my head, feel the heat of the fire, and start to fall asleep.

("To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.")

When I open my eyes, I see the fire has burned out, and my head rests on my bare lover's chest. My arm dropped casually across his stomach, his arm around my back. I lift my face off his chest and stare at his face. A few unruly strands frame his face. I smile slightly, kiss his bare chest, and remove myself quietly from his bed. I put on my nightgown and walk to his window. I sit down.

While being with James is the most fulfilling and gratifying experience, I still cannot shake this feeling out of me. This feeling that things won't get better, that this is the best life is going to get. And while others would be content with that, I cannot. I cannot be content.

I stare to James, sleeping peacefully. He's amazing, he truly is. One of the best men, I've ever known. He is a patient, loyal man. Patient men make the best lovers, they care for both the pleasure of him and her, they take their time, prolonging their experience. When I'm with James I feel like everything will be alright. But I won't be with James for the rest of my life, and I will probably not know him the rest of my life. Get married to him and make babies. Life does not work that way, it does whatever it can to work against you. That way, if you make it happily in the end, it's more fruitful and worthwhile. But for the others, life is not where you live. It's where you survive, and it's where survival doesn't seem as beautiful as it once used to be.

I inhale sharply and close my eyes as my sobs wrack my body silently. Shaking me and hurting me. I stand up and wipe my eyes. I sit on the side of the bed and watch James. My pale, thin fingers delicately outline his face. Memorizing every line, every wrinkle, every hair, and every feature. I lean down and kiss him as softly and as tenderly as I can. I stand up and watch him stir, but quickly fall back into an easy sleep.

I move to my room and start a bath, filling it with hot water. I go to my desk and wait for the water to fill the tub. I sit down and pull out a paper. Silently and steadily I write:

To my family, friends, and most importantly James,

If you are reading this now, it is for certain I am dead. And while suicide is supposedly cowardly and against God. I find myself with no other option. I am option less and remorseful. I don't know what to do anymore. And I can't keep pretending that there's something keeping me here. It feels like I'm at the end of my rope, it feels like nothing more will change to make me happy. Death, seems like my brightest and most promising option, and as cowardly as it may seem, it is my bravest action yet. Ending a life that I will not use to it's full potential. And while I have yet to experience all of my life, I only feel as though I will spend eternity in sorrow and misery. I can only apologize because I know the pain I have you all through in because of my angst. Most of you will not understand, and you will scorn me and look on me shamefully even in death. But I can promise you it was not done to spite you or to embarrass. But always remember, that death is death. It is not to be taken likely, and every death has a purpose. You might understand mine one day, but for now. I bury my secrets with me.

With all the love I posses in me,

Sara.

I finish my suicide note and place it in an envelope. I take out another piece of paper and start it: James.

10 minutes later I finish and I place the note for everyone on my desk and the one for James beside him on his bed.

The tub is full and I rid myself of my nightgown. I receive the blade from my desk but keep the cloth in the drawer. I will not be needing it this time.

I step into the tub and inhale soothingly for a moment. I dunk myself under water and meet the surface. My face is instantly met with the coolair and I reach for the blade. I instantly start to sob. This is the end, this is the end. The entire dark truth I've been waiting for, my sobs are loud, but not loud enough. I think of all the things I will never get to experience. Lovemaking with James, having children. Seeing summer again. My mother, feeling the wind on my face, picking flowers, feeling the cool creek on my feet, watching a sunset, a sunrise. The tears roll down my face. Mingling with the water that I once longed to be red. But now, now I'm not so sure.

All the things I'm never going to do again. Life makes these things to battle out the evil, to battle out life working against you. I climb out of the tub and drop the blade. I pull of my nightgown frantically. Tears making my way down my face. I walk out of the room and am greeted by the chill. I run to James room and burst through the door, making a huge WHAM! As I enter. James awakens at the noise.

"Sara?" He asks. He climbs out of bed, puts on his underwear and holds me to where I have fallen to my knees on the floor.

"Sara? What's the matter? What's the matter?" He keeps asking.

"James, I couldn't do it!" There are tears, so many tears, pouring out of me.

"I was going to kill myself. 5 minutes ago." I tell him, he instinctively holds me closer.

"But I couldn't. I couldn't go through with it, because everything started making sense, and I couldn't picture my life without you James I couldn't. But I knew we couldn't be together in the future, but I couldn't live without not seeing you. And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" I gasp, tears blurring my vision steadily, pouring out clumsily on my cheeks, hands, nightgown, his chest. "But I don't know what to do with myself, I'm so lost James. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can make it without you."

He gathers me on his lap and rocks me back and forth, a few of his own tears mixing with mine. "Sara! I know I couldn't live without you, but I can be there for you. And we can have a future together. I need you here, I'm nothing without you. We'll be there for each other."

I nod into his neck, my tears still flowing from within me "I love you so much." I try and tell him. He kisses my cheeks, my hair, my neck. "I love you too." He tells me.

And we stay there, throughout the rest of the night. Holding each other, whispering vows and promises of what we're to do. I don't need a fortune teller to tell me they're truths. Because they are.

We will always have each other.

End.

A/N: WOOT! alright, I really was gonna make her kill herself. But, I thought about it and decided against it. Alright, reviews are appreciated. Thanks!

Alexa


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